Autocorrect is a fucking monster, it’s like that annoying child of your friends who lifts up aunties’ skirts to peek underneath and who randomly switches on tv channels showing melissandre taking off her robe in front of a family audience.

It is especially vile when I encounter it. It thinks itself to be autocomplete and autocorrect both together and prides itself in swimming happily in the cesspool that is my head.

I am an autocorrect magnet. How it happens is very simple. I mess up a single letter somehow typing x instead of c and instead of correcting that fucking x it changes the word altogether into something really really unfortunate. Or sometimes when I am typing a word which the dumbfuck has no clue about.

Like the time recently when I was typing a prescription to a patient on whatsapp. Tab Dolo 650 mg 3 times a day got changed to Tab Dildo 650 mg 3 times a day. Imagine what would have happened if WhatsApp hadn’t introduced the delete feature. I presumed the delete feature was introduced because a lot of men existed like me who wanted to ask women what they were wearing underneath and couldn’t resist pressing send and then good sense would prevail instantly as it happens with these instant messaging services once you press send. Imagine the patient going to the chemist ordering 650 mg dildos to be used 3 times a day and passing it on to his friends like patients tend to do saying my doctor prescribed this use it for toothache.

There was this time when I typed to a woman saying I warned you and it changed it to I earned you like she was a note of a million dollars and I heard no end to it but that was less embarrassing than when I wrote on a public forum I extend my heartiest condolences on the death of your grandmother and it changed to I handjob my heartiest condolences on the death of your grandmother. That was the lowest of the lows I’ve encountered while typing anything in my life. It was just better than when it changed We’re hiring non-dentist assistants to We’re horny non-dentist assistants. All these are real typos and I noticed only 1 of them before pressing send. I will turn this post into the directory of typos I’ve made to remember for posterity or as my autocorrect wants me to say – postetity, a heinous horny mix of the two things men supposedly lust about (tsk tsk not me I lust about ankles and collarbones and the inside of thighs).

My conversations are laced with oops and sorry-s and “this comment was deleted” and people often must wonder do I not read what I have typed before pressing send. To understand this, you’ve to go to when I was a young fat fair boy who didn’t have a single hair on his face (yes I didn’t even when I was 16) learning typing in a dusty cluttery classroom of Catalyst Typing Classes (learn to type 60 words per minute in one month). The ‘sir’ was a man who spoke few words and typed many and conveyed what he wanted to in grunts. And he grunted loudest when you looked at the sheet of paper while typing or looked at the keyboard. The best typists never look at what they typed, he said once on one of his garrulous days. You had to be so confident that you’d whirr khich the typewriter as soon as the line was done without so much as a glance anywhere. A paragraph should be taktaktakwhirrkhich taktaktakwhirrkhich ad infinitum and done! This habit has been so ingrained in me now that I never look at the words before typing, and which is the secret for my miraculous typing skills while driving which I consider my superpower (incidentally all of the above typos were made while driving).

So I take the rough with the smooth, the fly in the ointment of my kryptonite. Whenever I make such a horrendous typo I remember the first chapter of one of my favourite plum novels I forget its name in which the heroine let’s out a guffaw from the balcony seeing a young man contort himself early morning into weird yogic shapes, I always imagine that laughter in a particular way and the young man ever the gentleman earnestly tells her oh these are Swedish exercises they are good for the stomach and we get a lot of fresh air in the brain to which she replies but oh you look absolutely ridiculous to which he says oh then you are welcome tomorrow I am doing no. 6 and that should get you chuckling really hard.

So when people tell me change the keyboard or disable autocorrect I just grin. I’ve really grown fond of this autocorrect it keeps me grounded and its my form of Swedish exercises. I wish I was as witty in real life and no autocorrect I won’t change it to titty.