Sometimes i think i liked myself better when i wrote horrible horrible things on this blog. It was a safe space where i could be myself – niceness and propriety and the quest of beauty and perfection be fucked. It was a place where i was free of the trap of being likeable. I could be as intense as horny as awful and as fucked up as i wanted to and it would reflect the space in my head at that time really really well. My heart would never become a coffin of buried words and thoughts and emotions, i could approach each day with a clean slate.
But i am not that person anymore. I cannot articulate what is going on in my head anymore though it is not due to lack of trying. I am nice and polished and kind and calm and superficial.
But today i am going to try.
I am going to name 3 emotions that i am holding together at this very moment without any justification or explanation for them.
A. I am very angry. Not really angry, but i need someone or something to blame very quickly. The only thing i can find to blame is my luck and my decision-making. The realisation dawns on me that we are not cut out for this, neither of us.
B. I am terribly sad and disappointed at myself and my partner. One through arrogance and the other through ignorance, do not deserve to be where they are.
C. More than ever before, today, this day, i am afraid as i have never been before in my life.