People are irresponsible fucks.

Joan didion nailed it when she said that self-esteem has nothing to do with anything remotely resembling competence or talent or a conscience. It’s as much a genetic trait as looks or body hair. You can be an utter imbecile, a charlatan and yet think so highly of yourself without any contradiction.

And its precisely the type of person who thrives in this age of relentless self glorification and self promotion.

I call them the dressed up dung heap. Zero competence, zero responsibility, and 100 in marketing. We used to hear that the real good sellers are those which can sell an ice to an Eskimo. The real good sellers are those who can sell ice to an Eskimo all the while pretending to themselves and the Eskimo that its a diamond. Ice even might be useful to the Eskimo – they are selling dung and since there’s no place to hide after selling highly decorated dung, you have to constantly find new Eskimos to sell to.

The entire game is based on the goodness of people – you trust that the other will not gossip about you to another, that you will be kind enough to allow the show to continue. Or, worse, you are irrelevant because there’s always another buyer waiting, wanting, eager to be seduced by glitz and glamour of dung.

The funniest part isn’t the outward selling.

It’s the inward selling.

The convincing of self that everything that doesn’t go to plan is due to external factors which cannot be controlled. Everytime. And that everything that goes right is due to self. So the balloon bloats and bloats and bloats but sometimes it bursts. Then they resort to that brilliant ‘tree-falling-in-the-forest’ question of George Berkeley which has flummoxed philosophers since ages. If at night, no one was there to see your balloon burst, did it really burst? Then it’s morning and sleep has filled up the balloon again and its time to go decorate the dung heap.

What I would not give for quiet competence. Someone who just comes, does his job as efficiently as expected to and leaves. If he she fucks up, they gracefully acknowledge it – try to fix the mess and if they can’t, they acknowledge even that, take the slack on the chest with the chest wide open, no horniness intended.

One of my friends gets really annoyed at me when i get mad at marketing. I know there’s something fucked up in me that I get all defensive and worked up about it. But it annoys me to no end whatsoever that it allows people to sell wares when they have no wares to sell. Look at what it gave us – the pinnacle of marketing – donald trump. narendra modi.

At the other end of the scale are equally annoying people who are so low on self esteem that they are always constantly bending over backwards to not disappoint at any cost regardless of cost to self. It’s as if they have decided that they will only be considered good enough if they meet every ridiculous demand thrown out by everyone, so that none should ever say that they didn’t live up to their promise. Always downselling themselves. Ever humble not knowing it isn’t a virtue, nothing but preparing the stage for eventual disappointment in self that the others will see sooner or later.

I don’t know when I joined the latter camp. Of crippling low self esteem. Of constantly short selling myself. Of victimhood. Was it when I married? Was it earlier than that in childhood?

I’ve forgotten the subtle art of not giving a fuck. The art of not giving a fuck about not giving a fuck. The art of responsibility but not guilt, the art of being considerate yet not a doormat.

So on such days. Both things annoy me to death. Why are idiots and assholes the way they are? Why am I the way i am?