I write about frivolous topics like love sex self etc etc all the time. Today I want to devote my attention to a grave topic, one that requires deep understanding of multicultural issues and a fine objective mind like mine which can cut through the noise, laying threadbare one of the worst conspiracies to afflict mankind. A conspiracy so deep it affects billions and billions of innocent unaware people, affecting lives in a way no one can forgive.

Women’s Clothing.

No. Don’t give me that i-thought-so-look. Don’t roll your eyes. The problem is grave, there aren’t enough people thinking about it, a solution is nowhere in sight.

Let me explain what got me thinking. I got my wife an iPhone 7 plus on her birthday. (Ok, a second hand iPhone 7 plus but that doesn’t have any bearing on this topic.) She loved it initially, 128 gb of memory is orgasmic for iPhone 5 users struggling with 8gb memories, always having to delete a few million apps in order to click a single picture. It’s camera is so much better than her old phone, (not yet a patch on my s7 edge though), she can finally have a few apps on her phone other than whatsapp, and click those cool slo-mo timelapse videos, use fingerprints to unlock the phone etc etc. Life changing, isn’t it?

However, theres one fatal flaw creating a massive chasm between her happiness and my improved sex life, or to put it metaphorically, between the cup and the lip.

Its huge. It doesn’t fit in her frigging pocket. She has to carry it everywhere, remember to pick it up from the car, or wherever she goes. I thought it would be a problem with one trouser or one denim but no, the problem is generic.

Women’s clothing does not have pockets. Ripley’s believe it or not.

And when it does, the pockets are just deep enough to fit a couple of coins in them. No deeper. Again, believe it or not.

Can you sit with the phone in your pocket, She asks me.

Oh comfortably. Very.

It doesn’t hurt or ache?

Why would it? Never.

Even when you sit?

Was my wife asking me does my phone pinch ummm my genitals? I’ve no clue. Her logic was sound though. If by design or biology, any one sex had to get shallower pockets, it would definitely be the male sex. They are already fitting one too many things in a crunched space. Why would women need shallow pockets?

Why? Just why this injustice to women? How and why would a deep pocket be unsexy? What did trouser manufacturers have against mobile phones?

Then it struck me. The root of the conspiracy. If the pockets were deep, women wouldn’t buy handbags. The handbag market would collapse and the world economy suddenly would be at a peril. This was a corporate tie-up to boost each other’s profits. Eureka! #darkerdeepercapitalismunveiled

But then I thought of other conspiracies. If I could understand them by a simple explanation like they make women look sexy, I’d still hate it but I would get it. I’ll just list them. Maybe the deep web of corporate clothing manufacturers will send their goons to either explain them to me or shut me up.

Here goes: First two points about my profound insights on undergarments

1) Why aren’t women’s underwear designed like boxers? I get the whole yogapant cameltoe and ass-show fetish but how does it matter when they are wearing denims or trousers? Wouldn’t a tight panty-line look ugly instead of cool invisible boxers which give the appearance of having worn nothing at all?

2) What on earth are push-up bras and bras with metal wires doing in women’s closets. I see my wife wearing bras so thick they almost appear like cardigans to feel. If it were upto me, those bras should be reserved for those men having man boobs and most women should be wearing vests just like men except they would call them tank tops. A size smaller vest would take care of the sagging and tuck in the tummy so that women wouldn’t have to hold their breath in while clicking selfies. Win-win-win.

The third point was reserved for the most annoying of them all – shoes but I think I shall just mention a single line, shoes deserve a rant of their own.

3. Why on earth do women wear leather chappals? Flip flops and sandals and stilletoes I condone because women have sexy feet (incidentally a popular current porn fetish is feet in air while being f@cked or ‘sole porn’ as said by pornhub, I shall refuse to answer whether I like it or not because I’ve never watched porn in my life) but chappals? When you have to walk on Indian roads with the maximum possibility of some icky unidentifiable animal or human shit likely to stick to your feet, either heels or totally covered feet should be the norm. I suspect there must be a corporate conspiracy between nailpolish manufacturers and shoemakers, the same hashtag as above.

4. What about saris? Saris by definition cannot have a single pocket. Saris need chappals means icky stuff. Saris mean careful walking. Saris need blouses need push-up bras. There’s everything wrong with saris, a sari in no world could have been invented by a woman.

5. Winterwear – Have you seen men’s jackets and compared them to women’s ones? Men’s are invariably thicker. There could be two rational explanations – A. As everyone knows, women feel more heat. Literally. My wife needs a fan in every season and an airconditioner while i shiver under a blanket. B. Women like to wear layers but this could be chicken and egg. I suspect there’s a conspiracy here also though, I cannot for my life figure out what.

7. I’ve already written about this. Why are women’s tops jussst short to give tiny glimpses of the stomach whenever you bend? Either make them long or make them much shorter- why just why?

6. Last but not the least – gymwear. Yogapants while exercising? Seriously? Only speedos are more blatant than yogapants. They almost leave nothing to imagination yet EVERY woman wears them to the gym. And then we are labelled voyeurs and accused of objectifying a woman’s body. I’ve never come across a man able to resist a glance at a woman doing leg raises while wearing yoga pants.

I suspect the clothing industry is just another example of sexism. Women used to dress based on what men thought looked good on them. Think corsets and deep cleavages – eeks!! Women who look good dress as products on Instagram and fashion shows, with most clothes I am sure immensely uncomfortable, I flinch by just looking at some of them, and not due to any sex appeal. The fashion industry must have been dominated by men who chose aesthetic over function and comfort for their significant others while making baggy jeans and loose boxers for themselves.

Wait. Do I hear you saying I am a man so I’ve no right to comment on women’s clothing? Now mansplain our own choices to us, I hear you say. I accept the criticism gracefully and stand suitably chastened.

But for God’s sake, demand trousers with pockets or stop making phones so large.