I am tired yaar. Everyday something new, every week a new cause to sulk over, 3 good days and suddenly the fourth day she stops talking to me – my life turns into a mystery novel and I have to keep figuring out what it was that I did now which she is mad over. 

You her and me him. Never ending is it?

I just don’t like coming home these days yaar. I wish I didn’t have to. I feel I am living in a reality show, being judged everyday, constantly on the edge as to what I am doing is what i should be doing. She finds something or the other to be angry at or mad with. I hate the silent treatment. Fucking tell me whats the matter or let it be, don’t expect me to be a thermometer or a barometer and sense your mood all the time.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I’ve gotten used to it in all these years, yet somewhere it always gets under my skin. Why is your hair not combed today? You’ve suddenly put on weight, havent you? Why do you look so weak and lost so much weight, your trouser looks as if its on a hanger? Why are you outside home every night these days? The wifi switch was left on all night yesterday. How come you are home and free in working hours today?How come you never come home for lunch these days? You are always addicted to your phone. And on and on and on for 37 friggin years, I shall remain a kid even when I am 50. I sometimes feel all my actions are to please him, which is why I have turned into such a people pleaser, I am always looking for approval of my actions from outside, maybe the approval I never get at home. They are both such wonderful people, yet gosh – such melodrama, such entitledness, such victimhood, such expectations. How on earth do they get along with so many people outside home, and be the star of wherever they go? Such totally different people outside and inside home.

I don’t know. We just keep on rubbing every incidence in our head, we pretend to ignore they don’t matter to us at all. I have been brought up in such a different atmosphere, I can’t get used to it even after so many years. I know this topic bores you to death, but yaar, is it something with us? Or is it with them? I keep feeling it’s something about me that she doesn’t like. Which family has a feeling of envy at their own’s success, instead of just pride? 

Are you mad? It’s nothing like that. We overanalyse, they are just kids who never grew up but got old. I blame my parents for what’s broken in me, maybe in the same way, they can pass on the burden to their parents. It’s an infinite regress, and we’ve to break it. You are lovely. I am good. We both are normal. She’s needy and insecure, that’s it. It’s that tiny bit of power she likes to exert because you let her. I’ve always told you that sooner or later we have to shift, instead of having the same discussion month after month after month. Do what you do, your actions and her reactions have zero correlation. ZERO. ZILCH. So might as well be free.

Wouldn’t they be saying the same thing? We both are normal, its they who are the problem. And I would love to live separately, but imagine the conflict involved in that, so much effort, so much money, so much time, dont we have enough on our plate already? It’s so much easier to pretend, ignore – knowing everything will be back to normal in a day or 2, till the next time. And it’s easy for you to say, be free, be free. Have you been able to be free?

I have conquered my temper haven’t i? When’s the last time I shouted? I just ignore.

I miss your temper. You are much more unwound once you let go. Now you remain half-wound up. 

Yes. On days i miss my temper too. When I could feel every hair on my body standing up, I could feel blood rushing to my head, and when I felt I had the power to break someone just by pointing out absurdities in someone’s view of the world with sharp, rude, cruel, words. But you know how that used to turn out. It felt so good to scream and shout. Bang the door.

Let’s not talk about this topic. I can’t wait even a single day for the holiday to start. I am on the edge. Maybe when will be back things will sort themselves out. 

Yes. They will. Till next time.

 

 

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