I’ve often wondered what other people talk with their partners in the privacy of their bedrooms. The topic I hate the most is mother-in-law rants. The topic she hates most is work. And we both give as much as we take, so a work talk by me is almost always accompanied by a mother in law talk by her.

I think I can devise a better system than exchanging and tolerating boring topics to light up the bedroom a bit.

A. All work talk or MIL talk should be banned unless the talker is nude. So that will rule out these topics in the car, or in restaurants etc. If it’s really necessary to carry them out on holidays/ in restaurants – one has to entrust one piece of underwear he/she was wearing to another as security – thus partially fulfilling the nudity clause. There can be some relaxation in the norms if a suitable payment can be arranged later.

B. The suitable payments depend on the sex and the mood of the recipient, not the giver. But fair norms can be decided and agreed upon beforehand, allowing a simple choice later on. For example,

– Cost of hearing a 30 min MIL rant with suitable nods and gestures of sympathy – a blow job to completion. Not a partial-enough-now-fuck-me one, a complete thorough one till spitting or swallowing or coming on the face. In case of a 15 min rant or listening to a 30 min one while distracted – a partial one can be accepted as payment.

– The exact equivalent cost of 15 min clitoral rub or pussy-eating shall be equivalent for 30 minute work talk. If an orgasm is achieved earlier, the balance can be carried forward for next visit to the dessert counter.

– In case a participant is terribly upset, the above can be exchanged for a 15 min spooning snuggle which may or may not be accompanied by sex (this is to make me seem less horny).

– A nude pic for any other topic is an acceptable payment if the rant is on phone or text. Ofcourse, no one likes dick pics, so the man can make payment by bringing home ice-cream. In general, ice-cream or a yummy dessert is acceptable payment for all minor rants. That, and non-genital foreplay.

C. In case the partner is not in the mood for listening, then the rant can be deferred for an hour. A longer delay will result in ‘insensitivity’tax which shall have to be paid in abstinence for that day.

D. Any unnecessary advice given during listening will lead to forfeiture of the fee payment for that day. Who hears advice anyway – but if a blow job is on the line – there will NEVER be any interruption.

E. Any new topic rant than the usual ones will be given the benefit of doubt for the first 3 times – however mother-in-law topic includes FIL, Sisters in law, father, mother, brother, but excludes kids which are above any terms and conditions. Work includes staff problems, the utter brazen irrationality of stupid people we encounter everyday, talk of deadlines and overheads but excludes talk of technical challenges either faced or overcomed, but only if they are presented without a single sign of victimhood.

F. The regular sex routine cannot be confused with the above rules. That will continue OVER and ABOVE them, as usual with no mention of but-we-just-did-it-yesterday.

G. If 30 day achievement of everyday sex is reached, there shall be a lenient week where one can talk as much mother-in-law or work as one wants.

Wow. So if my proposals are accepted, I shall have either sex or a blowjob or ice-cream everyday. And so shall she.

Wouldn’t that be heaven?